“Avinu Malkeinu, our Nurturer and our Sovereign; have compassion upon us and upon our children… inscribe us in the Book of Life…make us new, renew us for a New Year…”*
The Jewish New Year and Yom Kippur (the Day of Atonement) are more than a month away, but I am eager to put the year 5771 behind me, and begin a new year with – G-d willing- a clean slate.
Perhaps my present eagerness for the New Year may be attributed to a conversation I recently had with my sister who is distraught about our mother’s declining health. Perhaps I am enduring a dull pain caused by the recent suicide of a friend. And, maybe I am not so far off, as the Rosh Chodesh (beginning of a new month) of Elul, the Jewish month of reflection, is only days away. Ultimately though, I fear I may be in the shadow of my own personal failings. I am seriously disappointed because my unkind words have torn down the ones I love, I have failed to meet my potential, and I remain complacent about the bitterness in my heart.
I am ready for the New Year.
Unlike the secular New Year (presumably a party-time ) the Jewish New Year- Rosh HaShanah is a time of reflection and repentance. Rosh HaShanah begins a period of 10 days- the Days of Awe- in which (at least traditionally) G-d is weighing the merits of our lives; G-d is determining whether or not we will be written in for life in the cosmic Book of Life. As G-d weighs our righteous deeds and our personal failings, G-d extends us mercy towards us for those transgressions of G-d’s law we have committed. G-d cannot however, forgive us for transgressions of the Divine Image which Jews believe to be implanted in each human being. Instead of being forgiven by G-d for the harm we have done to one another, we must seek forgiveness from those we have wronged.
It is a terrible thing to face those we hurt– it really sucks. In fact it “sucks” so much that I fear most often that the practice of seeking to rebuild charred bridges fails to get popular traction in our spiritual lives. Illustrating my fear, the High Holy Day siddur contains a prayer in which the congregation “forgives” those whom they (I) have wronged and who have wronged (me) them. We have created liturgical loop holes to enable us avoid the discomfort of “owning” our actions; allowing us to avoid the unqualified apology and consequently a promised determination for a new path. But, sadly, I think that loop-holing our way through the Holiest Days in the Jewish calendar robs us of the most rich cultural and religious traditions we possess. Judaism provides us a unique opportunity. Our values and our religious precepts invite in to engage in our own redemption; to redeem (buy back) our words and works that have tarnished the Image of G-d in ourselves and in others.
At the end of Shabbat before Rosh HaShanah, there is a tradition to gather in the Shul (synagogue) as a community to begin the healing dialogue with G-d and with neighbor. There is a tradition to stand face to face with the reality that we have some failures, and to confront- in this holy place- the wounds (minor and major) we have inflicted. Selichot, as this special service is called, comes from the word Selichah- which means “sorry.” Selichot invites us to mend the brokenness in our lives, to rise up from the ashes of scornful words, to carve out a new approach from the driftwood-dreams scattered along the shorelines of the passing year. We Jews, inheritors of the eternal flame of goodness, are offered the opportunity to return to this flame and to draw from it the light and warmth we need for our life-long journey.
As I face the end of 5771, eager to greet 5772, I hope will have the courage to engage in my own redemption. That these week before Elul and Selichot, I will draw plans to rebuild bridges burned; to make ruins out of walls I have erected; and to wash away the grime that dims the luster of G-d’s divine image. I hope that I will dig new wells in 5772 and that I will not drink from bitter waters. I hope that I will hear the ancient call of the Shofar– the blast that invites me to declare an unqualified “sorry” for my many failings.
My “High Holy Day i-tunes playlist” begins with Barbara Streisand’s Avinu Malkeinu which is then followed by this Michael Jackson favorite.
May redemption come swiftly for me, for all of us, for the House of Israel, and for all Humanity. – Amen
I’m gonna make a change, for once in my life
It’s gonna feel real good, gonna make a difference
Gonna make it right…
As I, turn up the collar on my favorite winter coat
This wind is blowin’ my mind
I see the kids in the street, with not enough to eat
Who am I, to be blind?
Pretending not to see their needs
A summer’s disregard, a broken bottle top
And a (human’s) soul
They follow each other on the wind ya’ know
‘Cause they got no where to go
That’s why I want you to know
I’m starting with the (one)** in the mirror
I’m asking (him) to change (her) ways
And no message could have been any clearer
If you wanna make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself, and then make a change
I’ve been a victim of a selfish kind of love
It’s time that I realize
That there are some with no home, not a nickel to loan
Could it really be me, pretending that they’re not alone?
A willow deeply scarred, somebody’s broken heart
And a washed-out dream
They follow the pattern of the wind, ya’ see
‘Cause they got no place to be
That’s why I’m starting with me…”
I’m starting with the (one) in the mirror
I’m asking (her) to change (his) ways
And no message could have been any clearer
If you wanna make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself, and then make a change
* Avinu Malkeinu is a traditional prayer for Selichot and for the Days of Awe: translation provided by agoldenshoe.
* * Quoted masculine language changed to be more inclusive. I realize that Michael Jackson was indeed male, and that this song was preformed in the first person– but what kind of Queer blogger would I be, if I did not in some way broaden the language and use of pronouns in the quoted lyrics. Perpetuating normative maleness or gender binaries is still in my mind a harmful practice, even if we quote iconic popular culture. I feel sure Michael wouldn’t mind.
torahqueer 